If I Could Say Anything

 

We need to talk.

If we were dating, it’d be time to fess up (I’m on a roll, this is my second confession this week) and that scares me.

Since we started seeing each other four months ago (has it really only been 4 months?) I’ve been wanting to make a good impression, wanting to show you my best.

Except…

What I thought was my best was not.

Likable, nice, funny, smart – check.

My best? Not so much.

I’m saying this because I’ve had moments of:

  • biting my tongue
  • suppressing myself
  • ignoring my instincts
  • sweeping a thought under the rug

I have stopped myself in so many ways from saying what I wanted to say. But enough is enough; this can’t go on.

If I could say anything, I’d say what I wanted to say, straight up.

I’ve been afraid.

“Do one thing everyday that scares you.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Afraid that you’d think I’m too intense, too driven, too passionate, too caring…too…something. Fill in the blank.

But what I got recently after a marathon conversation with a good friend was that I can only hold it in for so long and then, like a pressure cooker I’m going to blow. And when it gets to that point? Well, let’s just say it’s not pretty!

My clients count on me for being direct, a straight up, tell-it-like-it-is coach and I deliver. Sometimes I am stunned at what I blurt out and get away with. Why do they take it? Why don’t they react, get defensive and tell me off?

Somehow they know that everything I say to them is coming from a place of love and support and I would do almost anything to help them.

So when I call them on their shit, they hear it with love. When I shine the light on their deep dark stories, they feel love. And when I interrupt those stories and ask yet another damn question, they get my love.

Love.

If I could say anything, I’d tell you I love you and that I’ve suppressed that in my writing.

The most fundamental part of me, the part that wants to make a difference more than anything, the part that knows without a doubt that this is not a practice life and it’s time to wake up.

I’ve been afraid.

I remember that fear from dating and early days as a coach. Gotta make a good impression, rein in my intensity, manage my enthusiasm for life so that others will feel safe and comfortable.

“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” – Paulo Coelho

Safe and comfortable.

Those words send a shiver of fear straight to my heart because I know without a doubt – that is not why I’m here.

I’ve been paralysed by that fear, that if I tell you how much I care you’ll run for the hills. Maybe you’re already thinking, just who the hell am I to want to make a difference with you? I get it, and that’s why I’ve been afraid.

To compensate, I’ve been cautious (well, except for the day I used the word fuck in the title of a post).

I have spent hours editing and rewriting my posts out of fear and caution. Hours that could have been used to write more of what I wanted to say rather than hours squandered on polishing and niceifying my work, making it…safe. Now that IS a four letter word.

It worked for awhile. I’ve gotten good feedback and comments, I’ve been feeling pretty positive. It’s all good right? Wrong. I was also starting to feel a niggling doubt, a suspicion that something was rotten in the state of Deva.

If my passion in life is to shine and help others do the same, how the hell is that going to work with me suppressing myself? OMG, the insanity of it.

That doesn’t mean what I’ve written these past four months wasn’t good or useful in some way, but in the grand scheme of things (because life is grand after all)…it was such a small part of me and what’s important.

I’ve been afraid.

My lizard brain has been on the war path:

  • Why do you have to rock the boat?
  • Can’t you let it be?
  • Things are fine, just relax.
  • Just settle down.

But the thing is, I can’t. Settle down, that is. I just can’t.

And you know what? It’s not that easy to live this way. I sometimes wish I could settle, look away, pretend I didn’t see the hurt and disempowerment in people. But I can’t.

“Find out what you’re afraid of and go live there.” – Chuck Palahniuk

So I’m turning up the heat.

I’m going to be my intense-passionate-full-on-self, in your face as if you were my best friend or treasured client and I would do anything for you. That’s what I wanted when I started writing; to have this blog be an extension of what I love about my work as a coach.

I remember saying the same things to my husband when we first met; I actually warned him about this quirky trait of mine because I thought that had more integrity than pretending to be someone I’m not and him finding out later.

So before we go any further in this relationship, I’m giving you fair notice. This is it. I’m committed and the gloves are off.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.